Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize