he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
