I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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