You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
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Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
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I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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