I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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