Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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