I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
