Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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