his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
