Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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