Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
