They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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