I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Swine flu is the new snow day.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
