Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
