I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
