it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
