I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
