I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Is Oprah even human
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
