What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
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I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
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Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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