I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
