Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
