Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
