Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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