The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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