I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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