I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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