My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
