I cockslap morals
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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