Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
