your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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