matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
