Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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