i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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