Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
