He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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