I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
