It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
