I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
