I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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