So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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