so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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