what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
