so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
