do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
