Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
