The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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