sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Are my feet made of real feet?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
