I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
