is wine microwaveable?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
you inspire me to be a worse person
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
