I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
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