I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
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