Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
