Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
