you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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