Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
