You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
