headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
